Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
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