i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Nobody cheats on THIS.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
