I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
