I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
