me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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