Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
