If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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