the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
