That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
