don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
NoShamevember. You game?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
