hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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