I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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