life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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