Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
