I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize