I intend to get homeless drunk
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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