I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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