i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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