She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
