just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
