Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
