Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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