was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
