I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
