Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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