When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
