I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
