my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
