haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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