I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
