i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
