i love accidental penises.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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