im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
as a side note pls kill me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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