i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
