i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
