i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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