Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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