i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
try to milk me bitch
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