the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
