How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize