i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't trust your balls anymore.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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