woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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