My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
