Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
