I wanna passion pit in your ass
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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