Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
