Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
