i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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