Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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