Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
