thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
