I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You're so nebulous sometimes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
