Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
