Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
