seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
