I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
