So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize