I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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